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I need to make one thing perfectly clear: I am an equal-opportunity judge of character. I do not care about your race, religion, gender, or tax bracket. I find you all equally exhausting and distribute my annoyances completely equally across all demographics, other than short people. In fact, they got little hands, little eyes, they walk around tellin' great big lies. In addition, they got little noses, tiny little teeth and wear platform shoes on their nasty little feet. Let

Alright, first things first: a monumental, earth-shattering shoutout to my two (yes, two!) incredibly dedicated subscribers, who also happen to be my favorite couple in the entire known universe. You two are the wind beneath my digital wings! And speaking of equally profound matters, Mrs. Quackenbush, I hope your pillow is always warm on both sides, and also, you can absolutely suck a colossal bag of dicks. Because I'm still processing that first day of kindergarten when you

At this point I’m convinced my blog is just a Word doc wearing a beret. I’ve got three and a half friends (Mr. Half, stop pretending), and zero subscribers. So either I’m a pariah or incredibly exclusive — same thing. Folks get one sniff of my vintage-sweater vibe and instantly start planning their escape route. Honestly, good call. I’m in the garage staining wood, a classy pastime for an unemployed man who’s perfectly content being a house owning hobo. Stain is great: you ca

For those of you who rely on slip-on shoes but still try to give people financial advice, here is a quick home-ownership lesson. A sump pump lives in a pit in your basement. When the water gets too high, a little floaty switch tells the motor to yeet the water outside through a pipe. However, if that pipe gets clogged, the pump effectively turns into a chaotic water feature, aggressively recycling the same basement water while achieving absolutely nothing. Today, for the firs

Since yesterday's soft launch, the reviews have been overwhelmingly positive. I am clearly adored by thousands and gracefully accept my new title of Supreme Ruler. Now, if you want to get bogged down in 'math' and 'site analytics', technically, only four people visited. One was my wife, Her Majesty. I think I know two of the others, meaning word of mouth has surely made me a local celebrity by now. And don't call me Shirley. Alright, alright, settle down, everyone! I know you

My wife (Her Majesty) and I, you see, share a passion for philanthropy – or, more accurately, we shared a charity. And on this particular day, a day so monumentally important it practically had its own theme music, we were slated to receive a donation so grand, it could’ve financed a small nation. We’re talking about a check, not just a check, but The Check, a monstrous 6-foot by 3-foot behemoth, destined to be presented in the baggage claim of an airport so top-secret, Her