Double Wallet Busty

They say the smallest men have the biggest hearts and command the utmost respect. Well, let's not get crazy. Put the guy in a standard-sized dining chair, and his feet dangle like a toddler on a ski lift, swaying to the rhythm of his own voice. He was at least somewhat fit in his twenties, but gravity and snacks have since blessed him with a chest that rivals a solid C-cup. Shockingly, he does not care for the nickname "Busty" one bit.

Oddly enough, that is not his most unhinged trait. No, what truly separates him from polite society is that little Busty is a Two-Wallet Guy.

For the uninitiated, these are men who carry a wallet in each back pocket. If you ask one of them why, they’ll rattle off a rehearsed speech about "optimizing everyday carry," "evenly distributing weight," or separating U.S. dollars from foreign currency for international travel. It sounds perfectly logical—until you actually analyze the deeply deranged psychology of these individuals.

Let's start with their concept of "Clothing Feng Shui." They claim an urgent need to maintain perfectly balanced body weight and posture. How deeply ironic, considering sitting on two thick leather bricks all day is aggressively destroying their spine. If they keep it up, they’ll eventually look like Igor in Young Frankenstein—"Hump, what hump?"

Because Busty is now roughly as wide as he is tall, he has to find creative ways to validate his existence. Enter the International Spy Persona. He would never admit it, but we all know Wallet number two is a "decoy wallet" meant to throw off pickpockets. Why go through all the Bourne Identity subterfuge? If someone wanted his valuables, they wouldn't need to pickpocket him; they could just gently tip him over like a sleeping cow and shake the coins out of him.

Then there is the extreme organization. When you have absolutely no control over your life, you overcompensate. Busty separates his receipts from other receipts and organizes his cash strictly by which direction the face on the dollar bill is looking. Does this help him cope when neighborhood toddlers ride by on their tricycles chanting, "Busty has a mangina, Busty has a mangina"? Probably not, but it passes the time.

But my absolute favorite reason is the "Big Spender Booty Illusion." This little troll is deliberately trying to artificially inflate his rear end to project massive wealth and a Kardashian-esque silhouette. Busty, my guy, you are a middle aged man who refuses to buy toothpaste without a coupon. You aren't fooling anybody.

Actually, wait, I lied. This is my favorite: The Hoarder Wallet. This happens when Wallet 1 is for everyday essentials, and Wallet 2 is an archived museum dedicated entirely to expired coffee punch-cards and dusty grocery store tags from chains that went bankrupt in 2008.

I used to feel bad for him. I really did. I tried to take the "What Would Jesus Do?" approach. But now? Now I just pray for his swift relocation to Antarctica, where his physique and waddling gait will allow him to seamlessly blend in with a colony of Emperor penguins.